A boy named Dmitrius

Once upon a time there was a boy named Dmitrius. Every day he had to put up with two older brothers and two older sisters who picked on him and made his life miserable.
But, one day, he found a pack of magical sour patch kids. Once someone ate a sour patch kid, they would have to fulfill the destiny Dmitrius gave them.
His older brothers and sister stole his sour patch kids (because they stole all his candy), so Dmitrius gave them the following fates:
Alekseius became a male stripper and died.
Annaus lost her iPhone and was so devastated she cried all the water out of her body and died.
Vladimirus was so tired from wrestling matches that he started taking drugs and overdosed and died.
Until finally only Dmitrius and his momus and oldest sister (who don’t eat sour patch kids) were left. Dmitrius played football for the Steelers and baseball for the Yankees after graduating from MIT and Harvard and he worked for Google in his spare time with his sister Kyraus. They supported their Momus in an apartment overlooking Central Park and they lived happily ever after.