Congratulations, you have just purchased the Magical Meeting-Modifying whistle, the answer to any white collar worker’s meeting-angst.
To use. First, you must be in a meeting, a tedious, endless, stuffy-roomed meeting; one where your most dreaded colleague has taken over with his/ her over-powering defeatism and Eyore-like attitude; one where you’d rather gouge your eyes out with spoons than continue to sit politely and listen for another agonizing hour.
Pull whistle from pocket. Rub gently on your sleeve three times to prime the Magical Meeting-Modifying whistle. Warning: do not skip this step. All warranties will be considered void if MMM whistle is not properly primed.
Lift whistle to lips. Next, look directly into the eyes of the man / woman who has taken the meeting hostage. Be sure he/ she sees you with the MMM whistle. Draw in a very large breath. Begin by filling the belly, then expanding the upper lungs in the rib-cage and chest area. Blow MMM whistle until all breath has been expelled, and colleagues have covered their ears and ducked their heads in pain.
Upon completion of exhalation, announce: “Meeting Adjourned”.
If the meeting does not immediately break up, check to be sure you’ve properly primed the MMM whistle.
If you are in a particularly horrific meeting, and there are multiple colleagues who have sabotaged the agenda and are torturing the rest of the group, you may find one blow is insufficient. In this situation, draw in a second, very deep breath, return whistle to lips, exhale with force until you feel your head begin to swim and your vision to blur. This should be enough to drive everyone from the room, and no further action will be necessary.
If, by some evil act of the devil you still find yourself in the on-going meeting, the MMM whistle may also be used to a) hang yourself, b) as a projectile weapon, which if properly aimed, can knock the offender unconscious for a few moments until everyone has a chance to flee the room.