Be like The Onion. Write a short satiric article riffing off a typical news story.

Inspired by The Onion. Write a short satiric article riffing off a typical news story. For example: “Chicago Throws Party for 5,000th Mugged Man,” or “Colleges Battle Student Tea Drinking Problem.” Consider including quotes from your fictional sources.

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Connected Educator Gets Disconnected

Written by @dogtrax on October 17, 2013 7:17 pm
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Boston — A man claiming to be the most connected educator in the United States was unceremoniously unplugged this week during a hacker attack on Connected Educator Month. The group declaring itself as “Product Free Teaching InK” said it had pulled the plug on Sixth Grade Teacher Evan Hogden after Hogden claimed on Twitter that he was so connected during the month, that “they named a new McDonald’s hamburger after me.”
A spokesperson for the Product Free Teaching InK said that particular comment “was one tweet too far,” and wreaked its own style of vigilante justice.
As of yesterday, the unplugged teacher was still teaching, but reduced to using crayons to make notes and, Hogden noted, “Even my PromeSmartyPants Interactive Board won’t work for me. It’s like I’m back in the prehistoric days of actually teaching by talking.”

Student expelled for swimming

Written by Holden Lee on October 17, 2013 2:20 pm
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A student was expelled yesterday at 6:23PM when he was found dog-paddling without a shirt in the middle of the River Cam. Mr Hills had come rushing over after hearing the screams of two Chinese tourists and expelled H Scott on the spot, before rescuing him with a punting pole.

This comes just two days ago a student had been expelled for swimming in the fountain in St John’s College, and brings the record up to five freshers expelled in the first week of Michaelmas. When asked about whether it was unfair that so many freshers were expelled for minor infractions when they had just matriculated and been subjected to psychologically devastating drinking games by the upperclassmen, the Vice-Chancellor said, “The University of Cambridge has an image of traditional academical values to uphold,” reporting that “no misconduct is to be tolerated” and hoping that “donors will continue to give to our humble institution.” H Scott had self-reportedly not been drinking within 24 hours of the event, and when interviewed, reported that he had jumped off the bridge because his college family had encouraged him to “try new things, or you’ll never grow up.” The Master of the College said the college is concerned with the welfare of H Scott and will be giving him free counseling.

A spokesman for the Cambridge University Students’ Union said that the Society will defend H Scott at his hearing tentatively scheduled for Thu. 31 Oct. and is currently collecting signatures to change the laws for expulsion. “The laws are old-fashioned,” A Larson said, “The law against swimming in the river dates back to 1500, when swimming was considered a heathen sport. What if, for instance, someone accidentally falls in?” When questioned about decision to expel Scott, Mr Hills replied, “Find your own private bloody stretch of the river. We must consider the tourists.”

Nemo Swims Against the Tide

Written by Greg McVerry @jgmac1106 on October 17, 2013 11:36 am
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The 10 year anniversary release of Disney’s Finding Nemo may not go as swimmingly as expected. The National Center of Transgender Equality has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit in US District Court 11.

Sarah Woodland, executive director of legal counsel for NCTE, claims that Finding Nemo downplays the natural evolution of transgender identity. In the movie Nemo, a Clownfish loses his mother and siblings and his father then resources the child.

“Disney is reinforcing negative stereotypes about transgender. Clown Fish are natural hermaphrodites. They stand as a symbol that transgenderism isn’t a choice. Disney rejected this symbol and reinforced the stereotype of the dominant male identity,” commented Woodland.

In essence, NCTE argues that as soon as Nemo’s mother dies his father should have matured into a female.

In the wild Clownfish have a strict reproductive hierarchy. Only one pair of male and female produce young. Clownfish are born male and if the dominant female dies, the male matures into a female.

“Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites. They are born male and when they mature they become female,” said Katie Cubina, educational director of Mystic Aquarium.

NCTE hopes to use the lawsuit to draw attention to transgender issues and will use any settlement.

Walt Disney did not comment on the lawsuit. A spokesman stated, “We do not comment on ongoing litigation.”

Beware the Cookie Monster

Written by Cris Crissman @Cris2B on October 16, 2013 11:07 pm
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A new study on addictive drugs has found that Oreos, which are considered three cookies in one, are as addictive as cocaine. Dr. Bill Daniels from Amazon University reported on Wednesday that lab rats chose Oreos as rewards for running a maze as often as they did cocaine. An unexpected outcome of the study was a slight weight gain by all the researchers involved.

Nunavut Election Triggers Communication Failure

Written by @lindapemik on October 16, 2013 2:56 pm
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Polls today showed an overwhelming increase in public interest in the upcoming Nunavut election. Election candidate Joe Inuk told us today that his campaign office had to close temporarily due to the spike in online communications coming in from interested voters. “our operators and systems just couldn’t handle the volume of calls and texts, said Inuk. Northwestel also confirmed that the territory’s communications systems have been maxed out by the recent surge in texting and tweeting. Is it possible that the youth of Nunavut have engaged in political debate?