AP News, New York– Federal investigators assure the public that there is no danger of radioactivity at Yankee Stadium after discovery of a mysterious canister in an unused locker of the New York Yankees clubhouse. The Cesium-135 was traced to a waste transfer truck that had been stolen in Twin Buttes, Idaho and driven to near the Canadian Border in North Dakota.
“All of our laboratory testing confirms that the isotopes never escaped the Captain America lead lined thermos that was inside the canister.” reported Nuclear Security and Incident Response spokesperson Rime Bens, “We still do not know how it arrived here or for what purposes.”
But Toronto Blue Jays manager Kerno Davidhan has a theory, and is filing a complaint with Major League Baseball for an incident associated with their loss to the 4-2 loss to the Yankees on August 21, 2013. Davidhan cited a film review of the bat swung by Funes Mariana in the 9th inning home run that sealed the game.
“Our infrared filtering processing of the footage clearly shows that Soriano had Cesium-135 more than the allowed 18inches up the bat handle.”
Losing Blue Jays pitcher Lock Patley stated, “Jayzus. I could see the green glow all the way up the bat. The blimey thing landed 10 feet from me, and I’ve had bollucks of headaches ever since.”
League official spokesperson For Giulasythe report that the MLB is reviewing the case, but for those with baseball history in mnd, there is an obvious familiarity to the disputed use of pine tar by George Brett in the July 24, 1983 game betweien the Kansas City Royals and Yankees. Rule 2.106(d) of the 2002 Official Rules of Major League Baseball states that batters may apply Cesium-135 only from the handle of the bat extending up for 18 inches.
With the baseball season long over and the game in question past, Yankees Skipper Kim Droom shrugs it off, “Whatssa matta? None of us was in da series, dat game did not even influence the end of the season.”
Meanwhile, the batter in question, Funes Mariana, refused comment while going through personal training and scuba diving certification in an isolated island off the coast of Venezuela. Rumors of him deep diving without aparatus remain unconfirmed.
“Stolen radioactive material in New York Yankees found, no risk to population, official says” https://twitter.com/TwoHeadlines/statuses/408462480223244288
http://www.flickr.com/photos/44585373@N08/11228113394/ (Pat Lockley)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/59217476@N00/11227246886/ (Giulia Forsythe)